I know positively that you won’t be reading this. So this doesn’t seem dangerous to write, because I know you won’t use it against me. Not that you would, of course. But still, I fear. I dread that this reaches you because it will be almost the end of me, something good about me will leave. Surely, the end of all my chances to much more. A sudden stop to choices, the grand finale to all the possibilities. And it will emerge as something deformed by this vocalization. By you receiving it. By you knowing what i’m all about now.
So, i’ve been having feelings about you all over again. You seem to feel the same way too, but you hide your words because it hasn’t been easy. At least it hasn’t been for me, I can’t talk on your behalf. You talk sweet to me. You blabber on, about your life and how you have been writing to me, but nothing has reached me yet. The real words seem to float in the air, waiting us to catch. You won’t tell me too. You still adore me. I know. You needed something else. I understood, but didn’t agree. Even if it was the best for you.
And for a moment, it felt like the old days. Before everything went straight to hell. Before you left and I stayed, and how I was still here when you came back. Because I know I have been stuck for a long time now in the same place with the same gesture. That fake smile I wear now, used to be a true smile. A smirk, maybe. And the laughter eventually turn to a not-childish giggle. I felt hope again because beside the rest of my life, there was you. I didn’t need anything else. There was no other pursuit than pleasing you, and I felt good because no one smiled so much at me, and no one hugged me as much when I was sad.
I heard you asked somewhere for me. I won’t tell who. You definitely want to know how I was doing while you weren’t here to clock me. It is much nicer though, because you don’t want me to work for you. I guess you want to do everything by yourself. But you don’t dare. You’re taking the first steps now. That’s good. Reel me in. I’m way pleased. You do it slow, and keep me waiting, if you want. But don’t play games, I can do without that.
I wish we get back again. If I have to change something for it to work, I hope I can do it. I’m not perfect, I know. I want to take you somewhere I haven’t been to. Don’t worry, we’ll face again soon.
