I’m under the distinct feeling of surprise. I’m being haunted by something unknown. I’m on the eve of something right now, but the difficulty is that I can’t put my finger on it, point it out. It’s anxiety. A don’t think anxiety’s bad- at least, not like it’s usually referred to. It’s not bad, it’s not really good. It’s just anxiety. The characteristic feeling in most, even few of us. When we don’t know really what to expect, or even when we expect something to happen. And when it doesn’t happen, it vanishes into sand bites, leaving that same waste adrenaline you usually pump up after being mugged. Because that usually happens too- when you get robbed, assaulted. “Hey give me your money. I’m fucking you up”. You keep the sensations, your body and all of its parts finger your brain with an aggressive tone: “you could have done something”. You block the robber’s voice, or face within time. But that’s what you keep: that sensation. You could have kicked him, even if he had a gun. It’s impotence in the purest of all states. But… it’s not exactly impotence either. Because in impotence you know you can’t do anything. This situation, which is and isn’t impotence, can not be reached by my vocabulary. So it stands unnamed, like a coma when you’re not really in a coma. When you lie in bed and time seems to stop. And you don’t think. Or when you look directly into one place that gets your attention and the world seems to stop. Even when this happens and people talk to you, but you don’t seem to hear them. And all of these situations… I can’t really say they are about anxiety. Because they all happened. So, can you feel the anxiety when things already have happened?
But this haunt, or when you get robbed, seem to gather here: you could have done a million things, don’t matter if you’re dead. You can die everyday. It was your choice, and you chose not to die. Okay. But after that decision you’re still discontempt. Hey, those are your decisions. Doesn’t mean they’re perfect. It’s just… human nature at its most. The essence, at last.
That’s the critic moment I usually react late to. I agree to some of my decisions, some I don’t. That’s life, too.
There’s the now and the whining later periods. Or you can just whine now, for the sake of self-contempt and no act, no reflexes from the body. This seems to stand like a third choice in thousands of them. Because it must be about the third thought you gather when you consider your options. I don’t know. I can tell that everyone reacts. Some may not vocalize it, but it’s still there.

It may be similar to depression: actually, not that much. I read somewhere that depression is when you don’t know why you feel so bad. The real causes of depression are unknown to the person, but may be reached through psychotherapy, and so. And when you do know the cause, it’s just plain angst (it almost seems like it is more fashionable to be depressed than to be in angst). All of this happens to everyone who felt at least one time badly. Why am I saying this? Because everyone complains that, if you’re negative, you shouldn’t “bash” your negativity into them. And people are always positive, and they never express their negativity, whenever they feel it because it seems like taboo. Yes, you shouldn’t abuse your friend/relative ears by feeling bad all the time and expressing it. But you just can’t avoid it too. Someone told me: “I was positive about life, until I talked to you. And now I undergo therapy”. Finally, if you felt bad and talked about it, good for you. I guess it’s good. I feel bad and say so. But I won’t blame you for my sadness.

So now I wait. Because I have made some bad choices, and I expect to react in a nicer way next time. But I don’t know how to fix whatever holds me back. How can you become braver or faster? Does it rely on other people, say lovers or friends? Can any of you tell me what is the real impulse? What do yo do if you have failed many times? I don’t know. Maybe this will remain unanswered.