The question is frequently asked: Why does a man become an idiot?
The answer is that he usually does not intend to become an idiot. You don’t wake up one morning and decide to be a total sap. It takes at least two weeks, talking twice every day to get any habit at all. And you really don’t know what brain illness is until you have a habit. It took me at least a week to get my first habit, and many times the withdrawal of love- and coming back to reality- symptoms were pretty harsh. I think it no exaggeration to say it takes about two hours and several phone calls to really want to walk 20 miles for absolutely no reason.
The questions of course could be asked: Why do you let it go so far?
The answer is: you let it go for so much time because you think you’ve found someone that doesn’t leave you even if they do, and they don’t really care because they live their life while they’re making other plans - more important, even then. So you make three calls so, expecting that in some moment your lives will cross even if they don’t, so you start feeling guilt because you know it’s not the other person’s fault by choosing other path. And you look like a sap. Feel like a sap. And eventually glimpse thru the window waiting for a strong yell coming out the street. Or someone to call your name or throw an enormous rock at the glass, or even your head. Because all you do is look through that damn window like an idiot. You feel like you love, you care too much, without knowing what the hell you’re doing. And it seems fine for a certain amount of time.
And then: What do yo do?
The answer’s simple: you behave like an asshole because it’s something that slips from your hands and is beyond the reach of your hand. Many secondary responses are rehearsed: alcohol doesn’t work anymore. There’s no peace anywhere. You don’t move although you feel like running. You wait for the rush to kick in, euphoria punch. You sleep by the phone, although It doesn’t work. And you definitely can’t stop thinking. But all the thinking leads nowhere. So you snap your fingers and start to feel dizzy and run elsewhere to try to get the same kick. But nothing feels the same because what happens in that other part is too special to be so easily repeated. You can’t seem to evolve, elope, go anywhere.
Final question: What should you do?
The answer: I don’t know. There’s too many answers for this; it feels like all of them lead the same way. You try to forget but you can’t. So you turn to sleep because everything is idiotic or so it seems. You don’t feel like studying, you don’t feel like doing shit. You feel like shit. You run like a headless chicken begging for something, and you don’t know why. And in the meantime, you always expect for responses.
