Brecht’s rules about writers are entirely true. And for those who are not writers too. Apart from that, that ideological treason to everything you believed once seems inevitable. Everyone seems to be betraying their own. I experienced this, this last week. I began saying how unbelievably true and good it would be to have a bulletin of my own in college. A true bulletin, a sincere one, a critical one, a written monthly-weekly-whathaveyouly piece of writing in which I could make a statement on how things really work. On the mediocrity of the folks inside that place, always fighting for scraps, leftovers of the money produced by illegal copies of all the written works in each course. It is truly pathetic.

So my plan lay on a true principle: total- brutal honesty. Making friends with no one. Arousing the asleep masses of students walking blindly as they see their pockets go flat and their minds go broke, while what leaves them goes to a few’s pockets. Changing things. Doing things differently: my way. Publishing it on the internet, or maybe making some copies of some brochure and spraying them all over the place, sticking them on the boards and walls to cope with the lack of money. But I would be thrilled to own another writing space besides this blog and to see it all comes out from the brains of people that don’t care for the lack of money as long as they fight clearly for what they stand for. I have been timid and stupid.

And in the way I found some- I thought so- nice people. People that shared my ideals… “doing things differently once in a while, making friends with no one”. Including everybody to the possibility of writing. Free expresion, so it says. Who cares. Telling the sole truth. Making no friends, mostly enemies. Fighting the fights that are needed. Breaking the rules, smashing everything (not literally). Riding the taboo issues like a race horse.

So these people. Well… I thought: “Hey, i’m not alone on this”. Good. Great. And some meeting would come around in the nearby future. Things are going to be great. Everything. Things are going to change. There are some bright minds here, at least they’re brewing ones. Fantastic.

And I’m fucking wrong. Guess what? Now it seems I would have to share my table with the asswipes I despise. All those freaks doing politics on campus. The ones looking for the scraps. Non- ideological sellouts living off the student’s tit. Building themselves an ‘elite-club’ in which anyone but they participate. Where people like you and I are outsiders even if we have ideas of our own. My mates in this enterprise have betrayed me: they seem to think that I will react well if I have to share what’s mine with them. “Well, they should get a chance to talk also, to express themselves in our bulletin… after all, they are students too“. What for? I don’t want to hear them. I hear their speeches every day. Tired is the word that comes to my mind each time they open their mouths. Who said I want them near me? Those fuckers come in every time in the middle of the class, interrupt an underpaid and nervous teacher and strays students into desbelief and distrust about them, in the meanwhile they present themselves as true fighters. Blah blah blah. “Hey guys, we’re from the students centre and we’re running a request for state funding (Living off everyone’s tits once again) so we can practice -the most stupid thing available in our minds, let’s say-”polevaulting inside the classrooms”- instead of doing something remotely worthy of true consideration, like painting the school, buying some benches and tables, or lowering the prices on these copies- So i’m going to pass along these brochures duh so thank you very much duh bye” Fucking arsewipes, deadbeats, potheads. And I have to share what’s mine with them? I want to destroy them. I want to unleash the truth. I want to die for the truth. The real thing. I want things to be done straight. That was my mission until I heard this: and can’t ignore it either now. I will write against them eitherway… I won’t even share the same seats with them. I won’t gang up with them. I never did before.

Every day that goes by i’m getting angrier and angrier. Some time soon I’m going to explode, lash out at these fuckers, burn their tables and whatever shits they put into my campus. Also, kick their asses every-fucking-time they interrupt one of my classes to blabber about the next bullshit to come.

I thought.. well.. things will be easier or harder. Maybe I should pick an alias so I can write without fearing anything. Fuck wrong. I will write with my full-on name. Maybe I should include my idisch name, or my astrological sign so they fucking learn it too, and maybe I will wind up dead in a gutter. But I will not betray myself, whore myself to a bunch of half assed marxists with shit on their brains.

And to think I believed for a minute I was with true people. My companions. They are too green right now. Too innocent to understand. Sheep. Fucking sheep. Comes up every time I see them… I know they want-in in this money fight everyone else is involved in. Why shouldn’t they be different? Lame-asses. Daring to call themselves free-thinkers, free-writers, defenders of the truth. I thought they would last more than a week before they wanted to start making alliances. WRONG. Weaker than ever.

Well, at least it seems good to know I won’t let go of what’s mine and my ideas. To think that for a moment I considered the proposal. No, that’s not true. I won’t lie to myself. I have done it a few times. And every moment going by i’m more convinced by my choices. I’m truly fucking pissed right now. I’m not selling out. I’m growing stronger and older every minute. I’m coming out humongous this exact moment.